Saturday, May 25, 2013

Inside Out

When I was 13, I made the jump from wearing glasses to wearing contacts.* The guy who fitted me for the lenses was fat and gray and smile-free.

He instructed me to balance the lens on my finger, hold it up to the light and look for the tiny letters etched at the edge: "AV." This procedure, he said, was to ensure I wasn't putting the lens on inside out.

My 13-year-old brain heard this and concluded: He's making a little joke. So I gave him a hearty laugh.

You're probably thinking, "Why would someone think that was a joke?" If you are, you're in good company. That is what 28-year-old me is thinking as well. The only explanation I can come up with is that maybe I always associate putting things on inside out with humor? And maybe I was in a good mood and expecting a joke somewhere along the line and latched on to the closest thing?

But anyway. It wasn't a joke. The smile-free man had to interrupt my laughter to tell me that he really meant it, that it was easy to put contacts on inside out. I had to wipe the smile off my face and pretend the laughing episode hadn't happened.

I think about this every time I hold my lens up to the light. It's something that will haunt me until I either get corrective surgery or die.

But even if I manage to rid myself of this awkward memory someday, there are plenty more** where that came from.

*You know the old saying, "guys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses"? Which maybe my brother +David made up? Well, apparently in my case it wasn't the glasses preventing the passes. The saying could have been revised to just "guys don't make passes."

**Like the time I told the father of a child I babysat that I didn't know DVDs were considered videos just as he was telling his small daughter that she was a ding dong for not knowing that. Or the time I didn't have anything to say to a girl who was looking for conversation so I mentioned that "these pens suck" only to realize that the pens in question were the ones she'd given me for my birthday. Or every time I take my baby in for a check-up with the doctor and knowingly cite something I think I know about babies, only to find out I'm apparently one of those moms who believes every stupid thing she reads on the internet.


  1. Ahahahaha! "These pens suck!"

    Also, times have changed. Guys make passes on girls with fake glasses.

  2. sometimes I wish I could just "like" one of your posts. I read them all and love them all but I usually have very little to say in the way of clever comments. Wit, or any way with words for that matter, has always been one of my least developed skills. You have enough skill for the both of us though.