Monday, November 4, 2013

San Francisco: A Weird Place.

I revisited the city of my youth recently, and it is as weird as ever. I say that with all the love in my heart. I ADORE San Francisco. The hills, the fog, the ocean, that pointy tower, the shows, the restaurants, the ethnic neighborhoods, the fortune cookies, the street artists, the trolleys, the shopping, the bridge, the museums, the redwoods... I won't keep you all day. I see ghosts there everywhere I go. The good kind of ghosts--the kind that look a lot like different ages of me and people I love.

I just spilled a huge jug of nostalgia all over the computer. Whoops. Cleaning that up.

ANYWAY. You should go there. But I feel that before you do, it's my duty to warn you about some weird things you might see:

-You might see some asian ladies pushing huge strollers packed with four to eight children through the park. Don't worry about it. They'll seem like they really know what they're doing.

-You might see a two-story-tall safety pin balancing on its head. Act like you're impressed. This is what we call "art." Show similar respect for any other giant objects you might come across. If you must take pictures that make it look like you're being attacked or whatever, do it with dignity.

-You might see two motionless guys in black facing each other from 50 feet apart on a pier. Whatever you do, don't disrupt the energy field connecting them. The future of life, the universe, and everything depends on it. Possibly.

-You might be walking through a BART station next to a person who might be related to you and she might look down to see something edging out of her pant leg and onto her shoe. She might swoop down to retrieve it and come back up with something leopard-printy in her hand. She might say, "Oh, my underwear" and shove it in her pocket. She might not think it's a big deal. Realize: IT IS A BIG DEAL. Emphasize this to her repeatedly. Don't let her forget about it. If several weeks later you remove your toddler's pants to change his diaper and you are stunned to find the diaper missing, but then you shake the pants and the diaper falls out one of the legs, make sure you text her immediately. She might have some insight on the situation.

-You might see a guy standing on a bench facing the ocean with his hands spread out in front of him. He might be audibly declaring to himself, "This is what I have!" Reject any notion that he is crazy or on drugs. He is right. This is what we have, and it is quite a lot.